going dutch

we met them in the bar of a hotel that served english breakfasts. sky sports was on the tv and a selection of english football scarfs adorned the wall above the bar. we were in spain. it was early-afternoon and the leather chair i was sat on hurt my back. i couldnt be bothered to change it, they all looked shitty. i was 20 and she was 22. neither of us had slept the night before and the events leading up until now were a blur. id known her for three days but it felt like forever. in a beautiful way. she was sat down but held onto me as if she was about to fall. the heat made my hair stick to my forehead. it made her use a fan.

we were in this together. but we didnt know what exactly.

over two hours we drank beers. i made her laugh. we sat in silence. kissed. hugged and read the newspapers. no direction. nothing better to do. who cared? 'two more drinks please'. thanks. but wait. she cant find the 1000 pesetas she thought we had. the barmaid stared at me and pulled the drinks off the bar as if i was going to grab them and run. i should of. she looked like a beaten dog. waiting for a chance to gain vengeance on anybody close enough to bite. before she had chance to two men sat further along the bar offered to pay for them.

they were dutch and older than us. late twenties. they bought us beers. cocktails. vodkas. we drank for two more hours. they insisted on paying. i felt good. she was happy. the mood was settled but reckless and it was still early. they mentioned they had a villa in the hills. pool. alcohol. hash. would we like to go? i looked at her. she shrugged then smiled. i said yes.

it was one of their parents villa. long gravel drive. tall pine trees and terra cotta walls. we walked through the living room and into the kitchen. black and white floor tiles. a statue of buddha and two cats. one ginger, one grey. i was passed a bong and we were told to walk up some stairs. the atmosphere seemed strange, too quiet. i missed the drone of sky sports. i told myself to shut up but looked in her eyes and could see she felt the same. we didnt speak of it.

the roof was vast with a kidney shaped pool, shower and five sun loungers. we sat down and she told me how much she liked me. before i could respond our hosts had joined us with a large jug of vodka orange and a stereo. shit music. the last thing i wanted to do was dance. any Smiths? no. the bong was lit and being passed round. she lay next to me. our legs weaved. her head on my shoulder. hand on my chest. they talked about the clubs they liked, the jobs they did, how long they were here for. we said nothing. just listened. stoned. i wish they'd shut up.

we smoked for another hour, talking lazily, enjoying the sun on our faces and occasionally diving into the pool. the more hash we smoked, the more i wanted to be somewhere familiar. my flat. with her. alone. she gestured with her eyes that she wanted to leave but i didnt know where we were. the two guys went into the villa to get more drinks. she asked too many questions. where are we? how will we get back to town? why have they been so long inside? paranoia. i had answers for none of them.

when they came back up to the roof they seemed to be smiling about something. paranoia. they started speaking in dutch and looking over. paranoia. or is it? she squeezed my hand. my state of mind was clouded with the hash. i started to think about ways to get out of there. i was thinking too much. nothing made sense. she squeezed my hand again. i stood up, smiled in their direction and tried to sound untroubled as i told them we had to leave. each word i spoke sounded like a shit tattoo, bent fork or battered mars bar. just wrong. they asked why. 'she feels unwell'. 'we havent slept'. they looked at each other, spoke in dutch and laughed. what the fuck. it was getting dark, we had to leave. now. i felt like i was stood up watching them speak dutch for a lifetime. my mind wandered until they both turned to look at me. HELLO. their stares pounded me down to to earth. the affable look in their eyes had gone, they seemed annoyed. paranoia? they said we could get a lift with them back to town. i said ok. she picked herself up thanked them and hurriedly put her arms around my waist. head into my shoulder.

we got into the back of the car and uttered not a word to each other. they'd been talking in dutch. i felt better but they kept looking over their shoulders at us from the front seats. their piercing stares. no more hash for a while. is it us? have we been weird? we drove down a winding road. no other cars. darkness. she nestled her head deeper into my shoulder. i held her close. the guy in the passenger seat turned around, started speaking in dutch at us and laughed. we're fucked. still no other cars had passed. long straight road. darkness. silence randomly broken by dutch conversation and sinister laughter. we stopped suddenly. the driver got out and walked to the back of the car. his friend said nothing and looked straight ahead. her grip on me tightened and she looked at me with a look that made my heart sink. what are they going to do to us? is this paranoia? please be paranoia. i couldnt speak. i froze. she froze. we heard the driver open the boot. this is it.

from one day to the next

today

she whispered my name and asked me to pass her the wrap. it was 8.30 on a tuesday morning. two lines each, a kiss, then silence. an untroubled silence. not the sort that makes you want to jump out the window. we lay next to one another on the bed, we both had our shoes on. i looked at her with love in my eyes, my tired eyes. ive been here before, not with her, alone. that time I'd feared what lay ahead, feared my dreams. that time both day and night were dead. but not today. we escaped into the sun and she ran her fingers through my hair speaking to me in her accent. her foreign accent that made each word sound awake. i finished my cigarette and could taste my breath. i hadnt washed in days, neither had she. i felt disgusting. she looked beautiful......

i hate myself on days like today but don't want it to end. we drank from a bottle of red wine. it tasted how i felt. stale. we floated through people on their way to work. they looked depressed. our lack of sleep made their faces look melted and grey. we laughed at them and told ourselves they didnt know how to live. we'd never be like them. we were better than that. drug addicts.....

we scribbled childlike sketches in my notebook. she wrote 'im electric, electric because of you. will i follow you?' today she will. who knows tomorrow.

sometimes i adore my life but despise myself. sometimes i adore myself but despise my life. sometimes i dont feel either. thats the worst. boring. we went to the park and looked at the sky. the mushrooms we swallowed were working and she glowed. life was beautiful. even the grass looked delicious. the clouds cushioned my soaring thoughts and the flowers licked my face. then he appeared. standing over me. blocking out my yellow sunshine and replacing it with a blind sense of dread. he was holding a bottle but not to drink from. it was empty and he gripped the neck. his hand was shaking and the angle of the bottle suggested my face was its next destination. within a second the sky had turned black and my skin felt cold. i looked at her and she was distant. scared. her face looked distorted. not as distorted as his. he screamed something at me and i scrambled back at his feet. i stood up and immediately felt faint. the air felt close and his intensity forced me backwards. i calmed him down with some bullshit and he started to cry. thanks a bunch. first threaten me, then make me console you. selfish bastard. or is that me? i dont care, i was happy 5 minutes ago and now im not.

...............................................

tomorrow

her words bored me, they sounded like wellington boots. she was stunning to look at but her story made me want to talk to the person sat over the other side of the table. i didnt even know them. i tried to look interested at first but gave up half way through. my eyes started to avoid hers. i felt bad but i was irritated. her voice irritated me. am i a bad person? i dont care i just want her to be quiet and for this unbearable exchange to be interrupted. it wasnt. i told her i needed the toilet. i took a piss and washed my hands for 10 minutes. when i returned i asked if she'd like a drink so i could wile away more time at the bar. i couldn't just leave.

her name was gracie. i never saw her again.

Dear Me

Trust me my boy you will doubt yourself

Through lies disappointment and vague mental health

Unconditionally loved

But conditioned to blame

The heartache and plunder of the cold waiting game

A brown paper bag filled with fireworks

Sits in the midst of a drunken affair

But don't despair

It's part of your line

You'll grow in time and decipher your mind

In a room full of mirrors it's easy to see

Yourself and no one else but you must to be free

Put your faith in my hands

You'll get your chance

Just save the last dance

For the girl you romance

I'm not sure if I'd have listened

These words my not have helped

In this letter I sent

To my sixteen year old self